Friendly Hurricane Advice!!!

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic Meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be Killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Texas and Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you needto do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on my past experiences of having 37 Hurricanes run over me, I recommend that you follow this simple Three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three (3) days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will stay here in Texas and Louisiana foolishly. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Texas and Louisiana, or anyother area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance Companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance at all,because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainlynot why they got into the insurance business for in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value ofyour house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Katrina/Rita, I have had to use 27 differenthome-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my husband and kidneys.


SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourslf, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps until December.

(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"HURRICANE PROOF" WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles (also a good place to hide family).

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an Evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's License; if it says "Louisiana," or South Texas, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mass of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana/Texas tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fist-fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies as well:

(1) 23 Flashlights.

(2) At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, will be the wrong size for the flashlights.

(3) Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool).

(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators).

(7) Have $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

(8) A chain saw (you might have to cut your car out of the house).

(9) Gasoline (people will trade sons and daughters for gas and can help you cut the car out of the house).

(10)A generator (along with instructions on how not to electrocute yourself hooking it up to house power) along with plenty of gas.

(11)A gun to prevent people from stealing your gas.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to get away from the Gulf.


Remember, as you are trying to get away from the Gulf, there is protection afforded when stuck on the freeway with all the other cars who have run out of gas on their way to Nebraska (just be on the inside lane).


Good luck, and remember: its great living in Paradise!